For Pity’s Sake

As a wise man in my life once said, “Show me your group of friends, and I’ll show you the man you will become.” It can be easy to take words of wisdom like this for granted, but I have come to notice that all-too often, these words ring true, both in my personal life, as well as in the lives of those with whom I work. The assumption with this statement is that there is a presence of a friend group or several friend groups which have direct impacts on who we are or how we see ourselves…but what do words like this mean to those of us who find ourselves lacking in the area of friends or positive community?

To caregivers of individuals with complex medical challenges or childhood disability, so often the challenges of the day-to-day go unnoticed by the world around them. The cry of many of these hearts fall along the lines of, “I wish somebody could relate with what I’m going through,” or “why does everyone else seem to be striving at a pace that I could never dream of matching?” How healing and powerful would it be if somebody could notice another’s sense of drowning? How life-giving to have a friend who knew what it was like to be a 24/7 caregiver and could slow their pace down enough to reach those caught behind the power curve? I’d like to pause here to differentiate between the terms empathy, sympathy, and pity. These words, to some people, can be used interchangeably to describe an interaction between people seeking to support others during times of difficulty. Needless to say, these terms are nuanced and deserve a thorough review.

Empathy, in a nutshell, can be described as “feeling with” or “feeling alongside” somebody while they experience certain emotions. In a way, empathy is the ability to accurately feel and reflect back what the other individual is feeling. This mode of relating to struggling people can be some of the most life-giving interactions that two humans can share with each other.

Sympathy, on the other hand, has two parts. 1.) an individual can recognize that the suffering person is going through a very difficult time, and 2.) are unable or unwilling to “enter in” to the other’s experience OR try too quickly to “fix” or “patch up” the problem so the suffering person doesn’t have to continue in their pain. Whether it’s a means to overcompensate for one’s insecurity with seeing suffering or pain in our world, or it’s some kind of a “savior complex” where the “helper” only helps to feel some kind of gratification for assisting or saving the other. Regardless, empathy and sympathy are emotions of connection that spur the feeler to some kind of action or behavior. Sympathy can have an appropriate place in our lives, but I’d posit that the third term, pity, is one that we could work to live without.

Pity is described as the feeling of sadness or compassion that one feels in response to observing or learning about the hardships of other people or people groups. At first glance, this seems pretty legit. I mean, human suffering should cause some kind of emotional reaction within each of us. But pity can ultimately be described as “sympathy without the action”. I’d argue that in our world, we could use less and less pity as we strive to move towards some kind of personal or collective action to respond to suffering. When pity is present, so also tend to be platitudes. Briefly, platitudes are the surface level, low-risk (to the speaker) statements that someone who is unable to or unwilling to empathize, let alone sympathize, use to alleviate their own feelings about what they are experiencing as they interact with the sufferer. Often this can sound like “I’m sorry for your loss” or “my deepest condolences.” These words, while well- intentioned, don’t really hit on a therapeutic or empathic level, and they can, in my opinion, work to alienate or isolate the sufferer even more. This discussion on pity reminds me of other words from another wise man in my life, ”Job’s friends did everything right, until they opened their stupid mouths.”

Thanks for going with me on that not-so-brief journey to flesh out the difference between empathy, sympathy, and pity. “Okay, Matt… how does this all tie back into your discussion on community as it pertains to caregivers?”

Thanks for asking!!

Whether you are a caregiver for someone with complex medical challenges or childhood disability, or a friend to a caregiver, the key takeaway is empathy unlocks, soothes, heals, and sees. If you are in a difficult season or are struggling to keep you head above water, think long and hard right now about one or two people in your life who have shown themselves to be non-judgmental and willing to “enter in” with you (not just your drinking buddies). It may be worth a text or phone call! Empathy builds deeper connection and community. For everyone else, if you are not in it now, you will be “in it” eventually. I challenge you to live right now the way you would like others to interact with you when your time of challenge, loss, and suffering comes. Can we force ourselves to slow down a little bit to enter into others’ lives, or are we “too busy” to cast out a lifeline or breath of fresh air to a sister or brother?

“Show me your group of friends, and I’ll show you the man you will become.” What if we grew in our empathy skills? What if our friendships progressively lost the use of platitudes and insecurity, and began to look more like an intentional connection with deeper substance? If you want it from others, you must first show that you are willing to offer it.

For Reflection:

1.) Who in your life comes to mind as you read this? What is something you could

do with or for that person in response?

2.) In what ways have you experienced pain, alienation, or harm from the platitudes

of others? How did it make you feel?

3.) What is one way in which you could take a step towards growing in empathy?